paper fruit's home away from home

Man, what a great con. Probably the best con I've ever been to! And not just because Portland is the best city ever: Because the people were all really nice, the programming was fabulous, and most of the films were excellent.

It's been over a week since I left, but I've been in and out of hospitals and trying to help my mother as much as I can while my dad's going through some challenges with his pancreatic cancer. So rather than doing an articulate, fresh-off-the-high-of-awesomeness post, here were the highlights:

• Meeting people. I know I'm going to leave someone off and feel bad, but here goes. I got to meet my editor Ross Lockhart from Night Shade, my editor Cameron Pierce from Lazy Fascist, his wife Kirsten (who's my copy editor for A PRETTY MOUTH and she is fabulous), and various sundry people I'd only met online before, like Andrew Fuller (the programming chair for the con), Wendy Wagner, who is even more amazing IRL, which I did not think possible, Gwen Callahan, who runs the Arkham Bazaar and also the con itself I believe, Wilum H. Pugmire, a writer I've respected for many a year, Cody Goodfellow, who is a hoot, Jay Lake who I met but briefly whilst we were co-paneling, E. Catherine Tobler, who is a Colorado local who I met in Portland for the first time, Jeff Burk, a fellow Bizarro person, Rose O'Keefe, the publisher/CEO at Eraserhead, and Silvia Moreno-Garcia, my editor at Innsmouth Free Press. Whew! But seriously, they were all amazing and fabulous and I loved meeting them, getting drinks and eating foods, and generally having a good time. Thanks all of you for making me feel so cool and welcome and one of the group!

• Watching Stuff. Stuff like Wilum's reading (fabulous!), stuff like the Editors' Panel where I got to see Ross, Silvia, E. Catherine, Jeff, and a few other people talk awesomely about publishing. Oh, and movies of course. So many movies! I got to watch The Whisperer In Darkness, which was goddamn fantastic. Wow wow wow. Everyone should see this, it was well-produced, beautifully scripted, the special effects were great, the music was amazing, wow. I was genuinely creeped out at times, and while Lovecraft is great at cosmic horror, he doesn't really give me, you know, the heebie-jeebies so that's an accomplishment. I also saw a lot of the shorts, which were on the whole awesome. I liked Coda, a short film the aforementioned Andrew worked on, Re-Animate Her, Black Pharoah, GAMMA, Bedtime for Timmy, The Shadow out of Time, and the fabulous (if baffling) clip from The Evil Clergyman, part of an anthology that is being released later this year. I had mixed feelings about Monsters, I guess, because of a lot of reasons, but it had fabulous special effects so I came away feeling neutral about it. Really the only total dud for me was It's In the Blood, which I watched because it had Lance Henriksen in it, but oh, dear. Full disclosure: I'm never going to be won over by the premise of "father and son go into the woods to figure out their feelings and talk about dude stuff" so maybe the film just wasn't for me, but the graphic rape of the only female character, and menacing non-Caucasian villain didn't help me come away with many positive feelings. Extra points taken off for Lance pretending to be a girl having an orgasm for maybe five exceedingly uncomfortable minutes, and the line "if you want to become a man you have to kill the boy inside you." Or something. Close enough. But you know, it won an award, so maybe it just wasn't for me. Fair enough. Anyways, my meh over that film aside, the movies were by and large excellent. John got to see Die Farbe, which he said was awesome, so yay!

• Foods. Voodoo Doughnuts. Sizzle Pie. Hungry Tiger Too. Sweet Pea. Blossoming Lotus. Some coffee shop with fabulous sandwiches that I can't for the life of me remember the name of. Some pub with great beer and, unexpectedly, a vegan pot pie. More Voodoo Doughnuts. Fuck yes.

• Miscellany. The VIP reception. Getting to hang out with everyone at The Moon and Sixpence and Tony Starlight's and the Lovecraft Bar during afterparty stuff. Hanging out with Bizarro peoples. Getting a Miskatonic University t-shirt. Signing stock at Powell's. And doing it all with my husband. John had never come to a con with me before, and getting to introduce him to people was amazing.

I want to come back to the Lovecraft Film Festival every year I can. It was so, so fun, and I feel so lucky and honored that I was invited to come speak and read and just simply hang out with such fabulous people. Thank you everyone who was involved in making it such an amazing experience. I miss you so much already---but hope to see you next year!

The H.P. Lovecraft Film Festival and CthulhuCon are happening this weekend in Portland, Oregon, and I shall be there, doing things!

Saturday at 3 PM I'll be paneling on "Women and Gender Roles in Dark Fiction" along with Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Scott Connors, and Robert Price

Saturday at 8 PM I'll be paneling on "Writing New Horrors" with Cody Goodfellow, Edward Morris, Jay Lake, and Andrew S. Fuller

Sunday at 3 PM I'll be doing a reading alongside Andrew S. Fuller. I'll likely read something from A Pretty Mouth, the title novella for my collection forthcoming this fall from Lazy Fascist.

The rest of the time I plan on being at various screenings, bars, and restaurants, along with my husband John. I'm excited about seeing The Whisperer in Darkness on the big screen, as well as a bunch of other crazy stuff such as new footage from a lost Jeffrey Combs film called of all things The Evil Clergyman.

So anyways, if you're there, say hi! My hair is brown again, though, so don't look for some blond lady.

Starfest/DigiFest/HorrorFest/etc is this weekend! If you're going to be there, say hi. Here's where I'll be:

Friday, 6PM: Asian Cult Cinema Panel

Saturday, 3:30: Writing the Dark Side

Sunday, 12 noon: Multimedia Reading w/Jesse Bullington (mr_earbrass). We two are collaborating for ours as we'll be reading our co-authored story "Tubby McMungus, Fat From Fungus." If you're looking for it in the program, David Boop, Mike Hance, and Quincy Allen will also be reading.

But! Here's what you really came here for today: Tahini Blondies!

So I wanted halva but I couldn't be bothered to buy a candy thermometer. Thus: Tahini Blondies. Adapted from Vegan Cookies Take Over Your Cookie Jar, these are amazing tahini-ful squares of sesame bliss. Not for tahini-haters. If you're on the fence, try 'em---they just might change your world. Or at least your ambivalence about tahini.

Tahini Blondies

3/4 cup tahini (I used Joya)

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1 cup brown sugar

1/4 c. non-dairy milk

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1  cup all purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

2 tsp sesame seeds (I used a mix of white and black)

Preheat oven to 350 F. Lightly grease an 8x8  baking dish.

In a mixing bowl, use a fork to vigorously mix  together tahini, oil and sugar. Stir in milk and vanilla. Stir in  flour, salt and baking powder. The batter will be very very thick and won't spread on its own. Transfer to baking pan and press it into place. Sprinkle on the sesame seeds and lightly press them into the top.

Bake for 22-27 minutes, the edges should be just barely brown. The top will appear soft, that's okay. Remove  from oven and cool completely before slicing. I bolded that because they are super gooey if you don't. Also, I had to go the whole 27 because of altitude, so check yours at 22.

 

AND IT IS A THING THAT I AM IN! Behold:

So yes! Some brand new Ivybridge madness you never asked for! My story, "The Hour of the Tortoise," which will be one of the wretched tales of weirdness and uncomfortable sibling relationships in A PRETTY MOUTH (out later this year through Lazy Fascist Press!), will be appearing in THE BOOK OF CTHULHU II. Ross Lockhart's (lossrockhart) at the editorial helm again so expect the same high-quality, mind-shattering madness of the original THE BOOK OF CTHULHU, which many many people seemed to enjoy.

Oh, and if you never got around to reading THE BOOK OF CTHULHU, Night Shade is totally having a 50% off sale right now. Just sayin'.

I know, I know. I leave for a million years only to come back with nothing more than THE ULTIMATE RECIPE FOR TIRAMISU.

Yeah. Look at that. What's that? An inside shot, you say? Oh, no big deal:

Tiramisu. Holy hell. I love this dessert, and always have. It was the first dessert I made my husband during our courtship. I've made it a million times, but for the last six years, I've only made it in the form of the tiramisu cupcakes from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. And those cupcakes are great, don't get me wrong, but they're not the same.

Why have I never made real tiramisu, then? Ladyfingers, that's why. The cookie upon which tiramisu is founded. None of the store-bought brands I've seen have been even close to being vegan, and I had no notion of how to veganize such a thing. So imagine my delight when, upon googling "vegan tiramisu" (I wanted to make it for my friend Raechel's birthday), I found this recipe.

It looked amazing! And let me tell you, it was. But I tweaked and messed with the original so I'm posting my update. My version has a tangy raspberry layer and some raspberry jam in the cream that tints it the most precious My Little Pony pink. The original cream recipe also calls for cornstarch and flour, but I figured reducing the heavy cream would work as well to thicken as any thickener. It did. Oh, and as written, the original recipe makes waaaaaaaaay too much cream if you're doing the 9x9 version (which I did). Like, more than twice as much as is needed. What you see in the above pictures, by the way, is a full 9x9, a full 4.5x4.5, and that wasn't all of it. I also had a bowl full of the stuff.  So, yeah, it needed some tweaking for us lazy scrubs who love the ease of 9x9 cakes. There will be too many cake slices, but that's ... easily dealt with. Om nom nom.

ULTIMATE TIRAMISU

For one 9″ dish cake.

Ingredients

For the Lady Fingers:

2 cups all purpose flour

1 cup sugar

3 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon cornstarch

2 teaspoons vanilla

1/3 cup canola oil

1 cup water

spray oil

1 square 9″ pan

For the Cream:

3/4 c Tofutti sour cream

1 cup Tofutti cream cheese (1 container)

1/4 cups heavy unsweetened soy cream

1  teaspoons vanilla

1 tbs raspberry jam

1 tsp coffee liqueur

¾ to 1 c organic powdered sugar, sifted

For Assembly:

1 “shot in the dark” (12 oz coffee w/one or two shots espresso), cooled. Really, go out and get this at a local place, it'll taste a jillion times better than making instant espresso from powder and then letting the rest go stale in your freezer.

1 tablespoon coffee liqueur

¼ to 1/3 cup good raspberry jam

cocoa powder

dark chocolate bar for shavings (I got an espresso chocolate bar)

one 9×9″ glass pan

Directions for Cream Filling:

Beat the sour cream, cream cheese, soy cream, vanilla, and liqueur to combine using a handheld or standing mixer. Sift the powdered sugar into the mixture. Do not put too much sugar in, taste it frequently (no problem!). If it’s too sugary, it’s going to overpower the espresso and the whole thing will be too sweet to eat. I added ¾ cup of sugar and then taste, add up to another 1/4 cup a little bit at a time. Beat until thickened, stick in the fridge.

Directions for Lady Fingers:

1.  Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Sift together the dry ingredients, including sugar, and stir just to combine.

2.  Add the oil, vanilla, and water.  Stir until most of the lumps are gone.

3.  Spread into pan, bake for 35 mins. Toothpick test for doneness, then set aside to cool.

4.  Unmold the cake, then slice into 8 equal strips. Line up on a cookie sheet, rebake at 350 for 15 minutes until just brown, flipping once.

5.  Set the cookies aside to cool.

6.  Once cooled, cut the strips in half, then cut each cookie—carefully—in half again. This will give you more strips than you need, but who cares! Use the prettiest ones for the tiramisu and make an ugly one with the leftover cream to eat by yourself whilst watching Parks & Rec reruns on Netflix.

Directions for Assembly:

1.  Pour the cooled espresso into a shallow bowl or pan, and stir in the liqueur.

2.  Line up the cookies, espresso, cream, and 9×9 pan.

3.  Carefully dip each lady finger into the espresso mixture for a few seconds. Do it fast so they don’t fall apart!

4.  Line the cookies along the bottom of a glass dish, pressed together.

5. Take ¼ to 1/3 cup good-quality raspberry jam and spread over the layer.

6. Cover the layer completely with cream.

7. Dust with cocoa powder using a fine mesh strainer

8. Cover with a layer of chocolate shavings.

9.  Repeat process with another layer of espresso-soaked cookies, and cream.

10. Cover with plastic wrap and put in the fridge for the day. Before serving, dust with another layer of cocoa powder and chocolate shavings on top.  This is best done with the chocolate bar on the hard side.

Oh, and if you need more dessert---or just a dessert more suited for a picnic/bbq---how about cookies that look like burgers?

These I made after seeing a version in Martha Stewart Living. I made 12 peanut butter cookies (I think I used the recipe in Joy of Vegan Baking, but do whatevs, just not too crispy), and pressed sesame seeds into the tops after flattening. Then I made a pan of the brownies from Joy of Vegan Baking (my favorite recipe!), but in a 9x13, not a 9x9. I baked them less but I wanted thinner "patties." After everything was completely cool I picked a cup of appropriate size and cut out the "patties" from the brownies, and drizzled them in "ketchup and mustard" icing I made with just powdered sugar, soy milk, and vegan food color. They're super-good!

I posted on Facebook last week that if any of you out there have not yet watched Peter Greenaway's The Draughtsman's Contract---one of my favorite movies of all time---the whole bally thing is up on YouTube.

It's a weird movie, unapologetically so, as well as being slow and, I dunno. Tawdry? Maybe that's the right word. It's definitely really sexy, or at least full of sex (depending on your perspective/inclinations), so don't watch it with your parents/kids/nieces and nephews/maiden uncles, unless you have a very different relationship with them than I do with my own. So, yeah. The film as a whole, sex included, will not be everyone's cuppa of course, but I aspire to write a period piece as awesome as that. It's my gold standard.

Anyways, the score is super-good, too. Like, I love that movie to pieces, and I consider the score to be one of the best parts. It's by Michael Nyman, who is a genius of course (he wrote the score to The Piano, The Libertine, and Gattaca; he did a lot on the Ravenous soundtrack, and also wrote an opera based on The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat, because why not?). It's my favorite thing of his he's done, which is saying something.

Nyman's score for the film is up on Spotify and YouTube, and though it's not as complete as I'd like, it's still amazing and I listen to it all the time. In isolation it makes for wonderful listening; in situ, the score is another character in the film. So, anyways, being the nerd that I am, when I was looking up supplementary information on the movie, I discovered that apparently all the compositions in Nyman's score are based on "grounds" (a "ground," to my understanding, is like a "riff" in popular music, but I'm really not musical at all so that might be wrong in some ways) by Henry Purcell and William Croft, period-appropriate composers. Best of all, Wikipedia was kind enough to list the specific songs Nyman is referencing, which meant that I could hop back on Spotify and locate them.

Listening to the tracks side-by-side made for a fascinating listening experience. The original compositions are all beautiful (The Academy of Ancient Music's rendition of Purcell's "She Loves and She Confesses Too" with Barbara Bonny's vocals, in particular, is completely magnificent if you can locate that version, and spellbinding after listening to "The Disposition of the Linen," Nyman's interpretation). You can really hear why Nyman selected these pieces in particular, they give The Draughtsman's Contract the frothy, dark, decadent, dissipated, luscious, and thoroughly-Restoration "feel" it has throughout. 

But more than the pleasure of being able to directly experience for myself a source of inspiration for one of my favorite artists of all time (not just "musical artists," either: artists as a whole), listening to the pieces side-by-side was a weirdly enlightening experience. As a writer whose most popular, well-reviewed story to date is a "riff" on Lovecraftian themes, I understand encountering a piece of art and feeling the need to respond to it in an honest, creative way. I think the enduring popularity of the retold fairy tale speaks to this: Those with a creative streak often desire to play in the same sandbox as other creative types they admire, or take issue with, or whatever. Art can be found anywhere, and inspiration, too, so this makes sense.

But as someone whose musical abilities were never particularly amazing (much to my mother's dismay---she and my grandmother are fundamentally musical people, whereas I was a mediocre singer and flautist ... on a good day) it never really occurred to me that musicians might feel the same need as writers and fine artists to respond to those artists they found inspirational. Other than when listening to samples of this-and-that in rap/hip-hop/techno, and in a jazz class wherein we discussed "riffing" or whatever it's called, I never really thought much about the way musicians comment on and are inspired by one another. I mean, I knew that musicians took subjects and responded to them musically (Into the Woods, the William Tell Overture, Nyman's opera based on case studies of neurological abnormalities, etc.) but the notion of hearing something and then feeling an artistic need to reply to it in kind---that absolutely blows my mind.

Perhaps this is nothing new to anyone reading this, but if the idea of musicians pulling a Wide Sargasso Sea seems interesting, unusual, or curious to you, I encourage you to listen to the soundtrack for The Draughtsman's Contract and then seek out the source compositions and listen to them. At the very least you'll spend some enjoyable hours listening to gorgeous music...

Sometimes fortune smiles upon me. I posted on Facebook a few months ago how much I had enjoyed the batshit-insane post-apocalyptic barbarian queen epic She, and Ross Lockhart, friend/kick-ass editor of The Book of Cthulhu pinged me, asking if I'd like an advance copy of Nathan Long's Jane Carver of Waar. I looked up the cover (left) and started drooling. Yes, I said. Yes, send this book to me, please.

I mean, omg, look at that cover! Big-hair muscle-babe in sweet armor uses a Gatsu-proprotioned sword to carve up purple tiger-taurs amidst and epic landscape? That is pretty much all I ever wanted from a novel. But a question came to mind: Could Jane Carver possibly live up to my expectations after I had gazed upon that wonderful artist's rendition of a bad-ass warrior woman's enviable quadriceps?

Yes. Yes, it could. Actually---no. Jane Carver exceeded every single one of my expectations in the best possible ways.

I mean, let's talk about the protagonist: Jane Carver. Jane is a strong, punchy biker chick and ex-Airborne Ranger, who, due to circumstances, is forced to go on the run from the law ... straight into a magical cave that transports her to an alien planet: Waar. Waar is populated with terrible monsters and all-too-human alien humanoids. They ride big chocobo-style birds and have a quasi-feudal society. So far, so awesome. Also: The gravity is less than Jane's used to, meaning she can jump high, punch hard, lift heavy things, and go braless without pain. YES!

Jane, to her credit, takes all this in stride, and for much of the book ends up helping a male-model handsome (but hopeless-with-a-sword) princeling named Kai who early-on in the book has his sexy bride stolen from him by a rival nobleman-cum-asshole. Noble Kai, who speaks in luxurious courtly language, is the straight man to Jane's joker. The dynamic is awesome, and often very funny. Take, for example, this early exchange, after Jane helps Kai extricate himself from the ruins of his coach, post violent bride-snatching:

I passed him some of the meat pies and veggies. "Eat. You gotta get your strength back."

He took the chow, but offered some back to me. "And you? Do you not hunger?"

I hadn't realized it 'til then, but I did hunger. I hungered like dammit. Traveling light-years in a second, or whatever I'd done, sure built up a powerful appetite.

That's the tone throughout; Jane narrates the whole thing (College Feminist Molly says: Look how she's a Subject rather than an Object! Hells yes!). Thus we see Waarian culture through her eyes, and Jane is not uncritical of what she finds. It may be a beautiful world full of thoroughly decent people, but misogyny, machismo, and double-standards abound among the folks she encounters. Jane, however, calls everyone on his or her bullshit, which is really fun for the reader. Not only does she freak everyone out by being a woman who looks unusual (Waarians are purplish, dark-haired, and on the shorter side; Jane is 6'2", white, and red-haired), as well as being strangely strong and agile, but she freaks them out with her feminist and class-eliding notions, too.

Jane articulates her problems with Waarian culture beautifully, and without pretension, and with laser-pinpoint accuracy. Take, for example, Jane's thoughts on lordly, incompetent, honor-bound Sai's quest to win back his fiancee via single combat when she first encounters regular ol' Waarians (instead of the noblesse):

...I understood these people. The guys were just guys. The chicks were just chicks. They wouldn't die for some sucker's idea of honor if you told them heaven was an eternal blowjob. They might die for love, or for friendship or even their country, but they wouldn't throw their lives away because it was more honorable to be dead.

Sorry. I guess Sai was pissing me off a little at that point. I bet he could have ditched his title, got the girl and lived down here on Sailcloth Street and nobody here would have given him a second glance. But with his upbringing that would probably have been harder for him than dying. Oh well, fuck it.

Jane rolls with the punches (and throws them) which is gratifying and makes for smile-inducing reading. Even better: she never considers herself superior to the Waarians because of her appearance/opinions/abilities, just different. Jane is a very "live-and-let-live (unless you piss me off or hurt my friends)" sort of person. She may think she has a handle on things, but her opinions aren't rigid and she's willing to learn as well as teach. Long does a bang-up job of writing a first-person female protagonist whose feminism is unobtrusive but so omnipresent you can tell that's just who she is. It's fantastic. I mean, after reading the book I wanted a sequel, but more than that, I wanted to go to the gym and then grab a beer with Jane. So, yeah.

The novel hit all the right notes for me, basically. I can't talk more about what I loved with out spoilering too much, so I'll leave off here and just say, if you like well-written adventure novels, get this book when it comes out. It's so goddamn good.

There was literally only one little thing that bothered me in Jane Carver of Waar, and wasn't a big deal, though it does come in the first two pages, in Long's prologue. I liked the conceit of the prologue just fine: that Long met Jane outside of a bar, and she provided him with the account that comprises the book. But then there's a weird moment, before we've even met Jane, where Long tells us:

Jane is remarkably honest in her admissions of her failings, but sometimes I wonder if she is't being too modest. She says throughout the tapes how ugly she is. Well, I met her, and though she was no Scarlett Johansson, she was by no means ugly. She had the kind of broad-faced, rugged good looks you associate with frontierswomen and female fire-fighters.

This comment rubbed me ever so slightly the wrong way. I understand what Long's trying to do here---Jane is, after all, a 6'2" female ex-airborne ranger, and even on earth that's not something one sees every day, so Jane has certain opinions regarding her physical appearance that are informed by the beauty standards of our world. That said, I don't give a damn if the heroine of a novel is butt-ugly or not, and I don't need an outsider's reassurance that "it's not like that, objectively speaking" if a heroine says she's not attractive. I didn't feel it was a necessary remark; indeed, I felt it kind of undermined Jane's authority in telling her own tale. That said, I understand why Long included this comment. I think it was with the best of intentions, and it's true that body-worship is part and parcel of the barbarian epic. I just think it would have been fine to have Jane tell us about herself, rather than Long as he appears in his prologue, I guess.

Anyways, who cares, the book ruled like dammit, as Jane would say, and I would read a billion Jane Carver novels. The back-cover copy may read: "Jane Carver is nobody's idea of a space princess." Well, maybe that's true for some people, but Jane Carver is exactly my idea of a space princess. Strong, foul-mouthed, bad-ass, socially aware in interesting and engaging ways, self-aware, feminist, malleable while holding strong opinions, crafty, intelligent, resourceful, and still entirely human in all the right ways. Yes! Yes, yes, yes. We need more books like Jane Carver of Waar out there. I actually delayed finishing the book for a few days because I didn't want to leave Jane and Waar behind; hearing that Long has already planned a sequel, Swords of Waar, took away a little of the pain. I cannot wait to devour it.

... is over. I've been busy and that means no time for blogging---at least here. I did a guest blog for Damien Walters Grintalis, author of dark/horror fiction, vegan, and super-cool person all around. She was kind enough to offer me a spot and I'm kind of glad I left it a little late, because unintentionally I watched 3 super-cool lady-focused horror films this February (Alien, Aliens (rewatch), and the remake of The Thing), so I blogged about my thoughts on all three, and at least tried to tie it all together.

So please, check it out!

Due to certain circumstances in my life, I've resigned from Lightspeed. There were many, many things that prompted my decision, but the most important factor in my choice was that I realized I simply can't give the magazine the time it deserves any longer. It's been great fun, and I learned a lot---but as they say, "all good things" and all that. It was a hard decision, but I'm sure it was the right choice for me and for the magazine.

I'm now working for Prime Books as Sean Wallace's assistant. I'm looking forward to new challenges and new kinds of work! I've already started easing into the job but will be expanding my hours next month. It seems like very enjoyable work already, and I couldn't be happier.

So, farewell, Lightspeed Magazine. And, of course, farewell to Fantasy, but I've already had to say goodbye to that publication, as it's been absorbed into Lightspeed. We've had a great run together--since 2009!--but so it goes.

Onward!

Argh, wtf happened to the internet this week?! Usually when I go on Facebook or wherever I am able to procrastinate over adorable pictures of cats and/or Dumbledore and/or whatever, but good Lord,  it's apparently National Body-Shaming Week, and so I'm hoppin' mad instead of mildly entertained. Ugghhh.

I guess people celebrate National Body-Shaming Week in a few exciting ways: If you're a layperson, you post offensive memes about women's bodies whereupon women of one size and shape are exulted for their attractiveness and women of another are shamed for theirs; if you're a medical professional, it seems you celebrate by deciding to spend your money by putting up stupid-ass billboards featuring disembodied people with guts or, heaven forfend, cellulite, whilst alleging dubious claims about diet! Argh, no, please to stop?



So yeah, Infuriating Body-Shaming Piece of Utter Bullshit Number One is the meme to the right. I've seen a couple different of these, all with pictures of some random skinny girl I would probably recognize if I read more magazines, and then Marilyn Monroe or Bettie Page, with the general theme of "When did [modern generally-unattainable beauty ideal] become more attractive than [generally-unattainable beauty ideal from days of yore]?"

Now, I get the sentiment behind this one. A certain ideal of tallness, slenderness, and fitness has put pressure on women of all sizes for years and years, put forward by the fashion/entertainment industry. It can be a toxic world out there if you don't fit in to what people (allegedly) find popularly attractive: Larger women get used as examples of "what [some group of people] don't want all the time, it can be hard if not impossible to shop for trendy, fashionable clothing if you're bigger lady, getting adequate medical care can be super-difficult, the list goes on. Hell, it seems the best roles non-skinny actresses can land are either the super-depressing tragic kind, or the "good-natured but sassy friend" or whatever [see: Gilmore Girls, and like, I dunno, every other show. Even Parks & Rec, my current fave show is guilty of this to a point, though to be fair, everyone is ridiculous in his or her own way on that show, not just my girl Donna). It sucks. But it also sucks to promote some redonk "real women have curves" nonsense* by way of responding to this, because it's feeding the same fire. First up: it's still alleging that women are only valuable if [some group] finds them physically attractive. Second: it's not okay to pit women against each other, especially over their bodies. Women get the message all the time that we are constantly in some sort of Darwinian cage match against one another, over men, over jobs, over being considered most fashionable/in shape/successful/whatever. It's dumb and untrue, and it makes the world a lot scarier if one's perception of sisterhood is believing the woman hugging you with one arm has a stiletto held behind her back with the other.

Now, I'm not 100% down with the fat-posi/health at any size movement--in fact, I disagree with a lot of what I've read of that group's writings--but I do believe 100% in body-positivity (to be fair there is a lot of overlap). It's healthy to love yourself, natch, whatever you look like. More on that later, though. I'm only mentioning the fat-posi/HAAS communities because I think the best thing they've managed to get out there is the stone-cold fact that you can't know anything about a person's health just by looking at him or her. I mean, my dad is the best example of this. He's had pancreatic cancer for close to two goddamn years now, and still looks fantastic. You would never think he had anything wrong with him, and yet he's been in beastly chemo since his diagnosis. Christ, he went to the gym yesterday and did weight lifting. I can't get to the gym when I have a hangover. The point is, you can't simply look at any person out there, fat or thin, and claim to know how healthy he or she really is. It's true that obesity can up your risk of heart disease, diabetes, metabolic syndrome, etc. but it's also true that there are women out there every day who are in the overweight/obese category who eat right, exercise like total maniacs, and are perfectly healthy. By the same token--and here I am looking right goddamn at you moveon.org, you cannot look at a random skinny girl and decide she is anorexic. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. How body-negative, judgmental, and icky. And how dubious a conclusion to reach based on A FACEBOOK MEME, amiright? Because unless we're going to diagnose every cat in the world with dyslexia ... you know, I'm not even going to engage further with this, it is too ridiculous. But other bloggers have, and much more articulately than me, so, good.

But, argh, wtf, it's just too bad for common sense and kindness this week because even goddamn doctors are celebrating National Body-Shaming Week, too! See Infuriating Body-Shaming Piece of Utter Bullshit Number Two, to the left.

Behold: The PCRM, a group I usually like, has released the dumbest billboards this side of PETA, no small honor there. Every bit as bad as the "Save the Whales" campaign of whenever ago, the PCRM has erected the billboards to the left in Albany, NY, as some sort of ... I dunno, anti-cheese-eating effort? AAAAHHHHWHAT. I know Americans eat a totally gross amount of cheese, which as I have noted more than once, is made from milk---a substance intended to turn tiny baby cows and sheep and goats into large cows and sheep and goats, meaning those dairy-industry claims that cheese will help you lose weight are REDONKULARIOUS---but this sort of body-shaming is a stupid, ineffective, and nasty way to try to motivate folks to cut back on the brie. First up: there are plenty of fat people who don't eat cheese. Like, um, me? I was 40 lbs heavier this time last year and I hadn't eaten cheese in five years. And guess what--now that I'm 40 lbs lighter, can run (knee permitting), hike up mountains, do unassisted pull-ups as of today, rock over 100 push ups at a stretch, lift heavy weights, and pretty much do any physical activity I want to ... and, uh, I still have cellulite. OH NOES OMG PUT UP A PICTURE OF MY THIGHS TO SHAME THE MASSES.

Really, PCRM?! No one food makes anyone overweight; for some people, no amount of health eating and exercise will give them bodies that fit into the narrow range of acceptable/attractive in every way. That is some junk science right there.

And furthermore, how this repulsive fat-shaming fit into any of your stated goals? I just don't get it: The message here is not one of "eat well and exercise as preventative medicine!" which is what I though the PCRM was all about according to their own, you know, "about" page. It says right there in black-on-white text that they are all about, allegedly, providing "vital information to tens of thousands of people" What is the vital information provided via those horrid billboards: "fat people are gross?" Gee, thanks!! That's some truly revolutionary "bringing the message to the masses," there. OMFG.

Maybe the worst part of this whole debacle is that waaaaay more motivated folks than me emailed the PCRM and are all getting the same stock response. My favorite parts have been these:

Thanks for being in touch. You're making a good point, that people with weight problems might not be especially pleased about seeing obesity depicted on a billboard.

Um, I don't have weight problems and ... never mind.

Certainly, many people have enough self-esteem issues as it is. But that raises the question, what do we do to attack the problem of obesity?

Dude, y'all are supposed to be doctors or something. Even I know shame and fear are the worst motivators for long-term weight loss. Anyways hold onto your (cellulite-riddled, no doubt) butts, because here's my favorite part of their form letter:

So how do we wake people up? Our ads are designed, not as any sort of "shaming" or falsified depiction of obesity, but rather simply as a view of ordinary obesity exactly as it is. If you thought "fat is beautiful" as some cultures have in the past, you would probably find the images attractive. Take another look, and you'll see exactly what I mean.

I took another look, and OMG that's so true! See?

I totally see your point now, PCRM! The warm, loving colors, attractive posing, and non-disembodiment featured in your billboard totalllllllly highlights human beauty if you're just into fat chicks and dudes!

Anyways. ANYWAYS. Fat-shaming is super-gross, and scare tactics instead of science is a reprehensible approach for a medical group. Just sayin'. Stunts like this are annoying, ineffective, and make vegans look like judgmental crazy people (which, sadly, some are). They also do nothing to inform the public. Ugghhh. There's so much better stuff out there to talk about with obesity and dietary concerns regarding the Standard American Diet and really pernicious foods like bacon and sausage and I don't even know what else. But I guess this is dumber and easier, so yay!

Anyways. ARGH! Can we just be kinder to one another? Can we make a vow to celebrate beauty without a compare/contrast attitude that puts people falsely into opposition? Or---even better---not hold up arbitrary standards of physical attractiveness as any determinant of the worthwhileness of an individual, male or female? While we're at it, can we also please work together to learn about how to make healthy, positive choices for our bodies and the planet? I know it's hard, but I betcha it'll be worth it in the end!

_________________

*What is a real woman? What is a curve? How do we define either of these terms? Is a FTM transexual like Buck Angel a "real woman?" He was born female, and he does have some curves: His enormous biceps are super-curvy (and sexxxy), but he identifies as a man/male. Anyways. The point is, it's a stupid adage because real women come in all shapes and sizes, and anyways it's crappy to assign concepts of "realness" or "fakeness" to something as nebulous and undefinable as being a woman.